Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?

You might not recognize her, but this is Georgia's fearless leader in education. The State Superintendent. And tonight, heaven help us, she is going to be on Jeff Foxworthy's show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

She has already said on one of the promos, "I probably know more than most people." Apparently, she didn't know enough to stay off of television in the first place or to get a makeover when she plowed ahead with plans to go on television. She didn't know enough to tell the teachers of the state that the Social Studies and Math super big state tests were going to hell in a hand basket when she knew months ahead of time.

I am amazed. If she flames out, everyone is going to say, of course, she's from Georgia. And if she succeeds, who is going to be surprised? She is the freaking Superintendent of Education. She should be smarter than a fifth grader.

Tales Out of School

If I know I am going to be out of my classroom, I leave detailed, detailed, lesson plans which I expect to be followed to the letter. If I didn't expect them to be followed, I wouldn't take the time to make the plans in the first place. I'd just leave some pile of crap on my desk and let the kids muddle through the best that they could. However, I don't do that because I care about what my students are doing, even when I'm not there.

Apparently, my substitute yesterday didn't share my enthusiasm for the plan. She sat in my chair, behind my desk and ate Cheerios from her box. She shouted directives from behind my desk and when those didn't work, she called my kids special. Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Something sarcastic, as one of my kids told me. They aren't stupid. They got it. She didn't even write my assignment on the whiteboard.

Never fear - I took her name off our sub list.

Oh My Holy Hell, Part 3 (and maybe I'll stop)

.... this just in:

I got an e-mail from the cheermom (OMG, the cheermom) and this is what part of it says:

Wednesday August 6- 3:30 pm Cheer Perfomance for Parents
4:00 pm MANDATORY PARENT MEETING

Thursday August 7 and Friday August 8- Cheer Practice 9:00-12:00.

The parent meeting is very important, and we really need everyone in attendance. At this meeting, we will go over the cheer budget for the season, and there will be lots of opportunities to volunteer . The Varsity cheerleaders, football players, and their families are invited to an after party after all home football games and including the Westminster game. This party is held at school and the cost of the main meal is included in our cheer budget. The players and cheerleaders are usually starving, so it is a great way to feed them and celebrate those victories! Each of us will sign up to help host one after party, and the football parent in charge, will call you with what you need to bring.

There will also be a sign up sheet for the Cheerleader Pre-Game dinners for home games and the Westminster game. Senior Parents get first choice, must live close to Lovett, and have one other mom help them with the dinner.

Every Friday morning during football season, all the football player Moms and Cheerleader Moms meet for breakfast at OK Cafe at 8 am. This breakfast is a long standing football tradition and a great way for the moms to visit and get to know each other. Each person is respondsible for their own meal.

There will be lots of other things we will go over at the meeting, but these were some of the highlights.IMPORTANT!!OK, last but not least... The cheer budget is ready and I have attached a copy to this email. Coach McCarter and I tried to think ahead and plan for everything up front so you would only have to write one check for the season. For the returning Varsity girls, the big difference in this years budget vs last year, is that we have added the cost of the End of Season Cheer Video and the cost of snacks for the away games to our beginning budget, rather than collecting for them during the season. I cannot promise that something else may not come along, but I think we have most of it covered. Basically, the Seniors owe $255 and the Juniors owe $245. I have opened a seperate bank account for our expenses, so please make your checks out to me. You can mail the checks to me directly at:

(teachergirl needs another job - send funds immediately - because I can guarantee that this is the tip of the iceberg; uniforms, jackets, shoes, socks, sportsbras....)

I nearly fell out of my chair when I started reading this missive. Apparently, I tried out for a squad that I don't want to be part of. I'm going to get to host parties before and after football games? With stinky football players and cheerleaders. I can't wait!! And Friday breakfasts with football and cheerleader moms. So we can get to know each other.

Let me check my calendar. Nope. It's not 1957 and I'll be calling roll about 8:00 AM on Fridays. (Don't comment about comma usage and grammar - I just cut and pasted.)

I find it extraordinary that in today's world, we still have people who go to garden club and do lunch. And fill their days with stuff like this. With the world collapsing around us, I am amazed. I am sure that these parents are fulfilled by engaging in these activites, but I have volunteered to teach 10 year olds how to function in the world without their parents. Part of my fulfillment is a meager paycheck and health benefits, but I also do it to make certain that two young women in this house realize that self-sufficiency is an option. While I had the opportunity to stay home with them while they were little, I wasn't the garden club girl - I needed to have something to fall back on because I realized that these little girls were going to grow up and the void that they were going to leave is immeasurable. And I like what I do, most days - because every 180 days, we get to start over with a whole set of new employees. Perspective, people. Perspective.

No Child Left Behind or What?

My week has been absorbed with test results flowing back from the Big State Test. Apparently, our state department of education is being led by an idiot and her crew. Approximately 70% of our state's 6th and 7th graders failed the Social Studies test and 60% of the 8th graders failed the Math test. Our illustrious leader has decided to throw out the Social Studies results but she is letting the math results stand. It is impossible to go on to the next grade in 5th or 8th grade without passing the Reading and/or Math tests, unless, of course, you go to summer school, retake the test and pass. (If you don't pass, your parents may request a conference with your former principal and teacher and you may be promoted administratively. That information may not be widely known, however.)

All hell's done broken loose, here. It was revealed that people in the State Department of Education knew that students were going to fail the Social Studies test in record numbers and did nothing to prevent it. They told no one. They also knew that the math scores were going to take a rather large dive and also did nothing. Their rationale was that the curriculum and standards had changed, so, of course, some kids were going to fail. What they didn't take into account was the fact that lots of kids who failed the Big State Test were Honors students who had made As and Bs all year long.

As I said, All hell's done broken loose. We're talking summer school, a retest and possible retention for kids who were honors students. I am surprised that our state superintendent hasn't requested a body guard. Parents are calling for her resignation and her recall. Wheeeee!



I have not heard the state failure percentage on 5th grade in math: I know that our school failure rate was right at about 20%. Some of the kids who failed were expected: if you don't know your math facts what do you want me to do? I can't possibly teach you pre-algebra if you can't add, multiply or work with decimals. And that is the whole problem. When the state changed the standards, our glorious leaders didn't take into account those children who haven't, can't, didn't move ahead quickly enough for whatever reason. Our state requires second graders to master multiplication facts.

I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

Second graders to master multiplication facts. Second graders can barely add with regrouping and yet we expect them to multiply. Hello?

I am all for keeping up with China and Japan and India, but at the same time, I am all for a curriculum that is age appropriate and is it really appropriate for a second grader to be held responsible for multiplication facts? I just don't think so.

But, hey. No one in the Department of Education asked me, or any other teacher, about changing the standards or writing the tests. Trust me. The Social Studies questions would have made sense and the Math questions would have matched what the teachers taught. I guarantee.

And guess who's looking for a slew of summer school math teachers?

Field Day Kicked My Butt

Our annual homage to all things physical started with the chicken dance in the gymnasium at 8:30 AM today. It didn't end until I danced to the mariachi band playing on the playground at 1:45 PM. We played hard today.

Oh yeah. Test scores came this afternoon, too. Only one surprise right out of left field. Creepy principal's daughter passed (BIG HURRAH) and my one kid who I lamented over endlessly passed, too. However, Bob Marley didn't make it through Math and neither did another one of my geniuses who hasn't got a lick of sense. The thing I discovered, though, was that 14 of the 17 kids who didn't make it through math this year were taught by the same teacher in the same class. We do math compacting, which is a fancy way of saying we departmentalize by ability. The majority of the kids who didn't pass were in the lowest class and were served by not one, but two, math teachers. I'm not sure what to say - because all of those kids who failed were not helping themselves - these were the ones who never did any work, who goofed off quite a bit and didn't have much parental support. Even my AP said that one of the kids in my homeroom who failed the math section spent more time playing and staying in trouble than he did worrying about working. Oh, yes. She was referring to Bob Marley.

And speaking of Bob, his mother made an appointment last Wednesday for a conference with the 5th grade team to see what could be done for him and his failing grades. (Are you kidding me?) We had eight days of school left when we had this conference. She reported to us that Bobby was an A/B student and that this was quite unusual for him. It was all that I could do to stay in my seat. I've seen the perm record. The only A s and B s in it are in his name.

Now come on. Bob isn't an A/B student and he isn't gifted. The other members of my team laid it on the line. He doesn't work. He thinks he can get by with his charm. He is lazy. He doesn't write down any assignments and he is completely unmotivated. I finally said that if he didn't pass the Big State Test, I was going to recommend that he be retained in the 5th grade.

All hell didn't break loose, but I think it was close.

So, now Bob and some of his closest friends are going to get a shot at summer school. If they pass the test, they get to go to 6th grade. If not, we get to discuss their futures.

Can't wait.

Conference Week Roundup

• Bob Marley's mom came - late - apple doesn't fall far from the tree - and she told me that she doesn't agree with him having to take the Super Big State Test because she knows that he is smart; she believes he is almost gifted (!), but I told her I had neither written nor passed the legislation, I just had to get him through the test. I also told her that he was basically counting on his fingers when we were doing timed multiplication tests. That he was reading at least two grades below grade level. That he can't string coherent sentences together. She found that hard to believe. I want to know what part of FantasyLand she is living in and when I can get my condo.
• The sweetest kid in my class is also the MOST unorganized boy in my room. He might win an award for being one of the most unorganized kids I have ever met. His parents came today and his dad (Mr. Trial Attorney/Mr. Anal Retentive/Mr. BlueTooth in His Ear ALL THE DAMNED TIME/Mr. Indiana Jones Hat on His Head) asked what he could do for his kid. (How sweet to hear those words.) I assured him that half the kids had the same problem and I suggested that Mr. Anal Retentive come one afternoon and give a pep talk, organizational lecture on how to keep your desk, notebook and backpack organized. AND HE SAID YES.
• Only one parent stood me up.
• No one yelled.
• No one cried.
• I understand my kids SO MUCH after seeing and hearing their parents.
• The ones in denial are in deep, deep denial (she knows her facts at home) but everyone else understands what strengths and weaknesses their children have.
• Scary Principal Daddy is a pompous ass. If he can be in administration in this county, your monkey's uncle could probably be in administration.
• I came home and slept the sleep of the dead. (Chinese food all around) Conference week is the most mind boggling, time consuming, life sucking week of the year. There has to be a better way and somebody's monkey's uncle needs to find it.

Stick a Fork in It

Now that it is all said and done, today was a piece of cake. With the exception of one of our special ed kids locking himself in the clinic bathroom, today went off without a hitch. We never know how the kids are going to react to this last day - some are fine and others don't handle it so well.

My sister, PrincipalGirl, administrates in a warzone. She said that many of her students today were completely crazy. Teachers were calling for reinforcements all over the building. They didn't want today to end - so many of them go home to complete chaos that they can't comprehend being away from the only structure and meals they have. PrincipalGirl was talking to a first grader - a first grader, mind you - who told her that his mother told him that she was Santa Claus and that she wasn't buying any presents this year. PrincipalGirl said that this family was one of the ones that had been helped with the Angel Tree and all those other things that make sure that families without don't have to do without Christmas. WTH is my only reaction. Who treats a six year old like this? At Christmas?

No wonder we can't teach them how to read. Or add. Or trust. No wonder they can't believe in anything, including themselves.

So, while I'm scrambling to fill PrepGirl's and BrownBear's stocking, I'll just be grateful that I didn't have to deal with this stupid parent today. Because I'd be in jail right now.

More Griping and Moaning, Via E-Mail

I couldn't be a bigger fan of the electronic mail; it lets us be in touch in an instant. However, there comes a time when parents should have those privileges revoked. Today, I encountered such an instance.

I have a student who is floundering. She barely passed the big state test in reading last year. Her parents are divorced. Dad is an assistant principal in the district and he has access to e-mail. He fired one off this morning, basically making me feel like I am some kind of incompotent nitwit without one iota of common or professional sense.

He let me know, in no uncertain terms, that his daughter could read on a much higher level than I had said. Her problem, in his esteemed estimation, was one of motivation. He told me that my assessment tools were unscientific and fraudulent and he had written his Master's thesis to prove it. Now, I am not the biggest fan of AR in the entire world, but I am not stupid enough to tell a parent, any parent, that his child was only assessed using one tool. I have made certain that I backed up the STAR test with other assessments - and scientific or not, my STAR test results are often backed up by other tests.

The fifth grade counts AR as one test grade for the entire nine weeks. He is bent out of shape over that. Funny, he didn't have anything to say about it a month ago during Back to School Night. A month ago, he didn't have a problem with it. Now that we're half way through the nine weeks, his precious has only gotten 0.9 AR points. Fifth graders are supposed to have 20 for an A. If his precious already had 17 points, his panties wouldn't be in a knot.

He insisted that we not grade for AR. The county doesn't support it. The data is unscientific. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. State standards require fifth graders to read 1,000,000 words this year. AR tracks those words. We assign grades to those words. It is called accountability.

This is his problem. He is the father of two children, both of them identified for our intervention program. This is troubling for him, as it makes him look bad. He doesn't care one whit about anything other than how this will make him look. Oh, yeah. And getting back at his ex-wife. That is playing in here somehow. He let me know that he didn't know what kind of standards his ex-wife held his children to, but when they were with him, he expected quite a bit from them.

Whatever.

I e-mailed him my best sweet Southern girl. And I let him have it. I wasn't in Nancy Grace's sorority for nothing.